the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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