made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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