i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
