I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
