My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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