my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
