Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Ketchup is God's man juice
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
