my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Congratulations! We have a period
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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