dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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