Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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