He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
