how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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