if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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