WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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