It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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