I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
