Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
