Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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