I bet he comes in French.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
