I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
