two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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