You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
