My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
