His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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