Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
