my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize