isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
