I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You need a sexual gate keeper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize