I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
