I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
