Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
