Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
