He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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