just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
