We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
