I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
