K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
