I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
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Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
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Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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