I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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