Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
be right there i have to get my cape
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
