dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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