the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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