He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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