Cold hands, warm shart.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
