He uses pillows to masturbate.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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