So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
