YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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