They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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