I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
