Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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