There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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