I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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