Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
