You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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